Vigilink

Suicide for the Lethally Fashionable



Leave ‘em mourning merrily
A Thousand Wurds in 106 Lines of Doggerel Poesy

Written By 

Tommy George




Preludium

Despair of living commonly blunders,
confusing such transient states
as anguish for love cast asunder
with a permanently miserable fate;
it aims to trade a ruined life
for death's delusive opportunity.
It ransacks drawers for guns and knives,
it shrieks and jibbers most luna-toonily.

Good taste suggests we all refrain

from shooting a bullet through our brain.
Such self-inflicted, vulgar blasts
are closing scenes for a lower caste.
Of the mess-making corpse it is often said,
The damned dumb cluck is better off dead.

When sensibilities of taxing fame

discover drear their wealth and name--
the never-ending, prosaic deprivations--
Even icons weary of adulation.

The worst would swap its living berth

for a death beloved as Jesus's, pierced.
Yet among the tres chic topmost seated,
bids for remembrance have overheated.
Suicide becomes an unreliable option,
How easily self-killing might flop!

If you must apply it, don't merely try it,

mull over these ABC’s for a while.
Decamp with style: leave ‘em weeping happily,
and ever memorious of your fabulous rictus smile!



A
Auto-exhaust from your Bentley
Will deliver a rosy-skinned corpse.
Take a long trip in your closed garage
but buckle up first, of course.



B
Bungee jumping with a tattered cord
will make your act a video smash.
Be sure your life insurance is paid
leave a young widow with plenty of cash.




C
Cops will give you a newsworthy death
when you flash your realistic toy gun.
Simply crouch and point it. Scream "Die, Copper Scum!"
Wave it wildly, spring and lunge.

D
Defenestration can be public service
if done from a high enough story.
Storm right into your agent's office
and toss him out before ye.

E
Exposure to the numbing cold
will end your mood ‘o’ doom.
Hide until the market closes,
then stretch out in frozen foods.

F
Flaming Buddhists self-immolate
to protest unjust laws.
Drench yourself with Courvoisier
and flambé for a trending cause.



G
Gangstas of commercial persuasion
will pop you for a price.
Tell 'em you want to drop off fast
You'll be gone like Vanilla Ice.

H
Hanging by the neck until you’re dead
may soil your Armani britches.
Hang yourself by your feet instead
And spit up for them bitches.

I
Invocation of Great Satan
Oft' lays the bold caller to waste.
Why not conjure Martha Stewart?
Show a little taste.

J
Jurists in a homicide case
will prescribe a lethal injection.
Be sure their needle's clean and safe
or you might get infection.

K
Knives across the wrists and such
smack of adolescent cliché.
Why not Hari-Kari on Halloween
In your wife’s sexy lingerie?

L
Lovers' pacts of suicide
transcend the world through passion.
To die intertwined as one climactic soul
will always be the height of fashion.

M
Marijuana suicide
requires a ton of smoke
Should it fail to kill you quickly
At least you're trying, bloke.



N
Nobility, grace and courtesy
have sadly been forgotten.
Summon the town to gang-bang your bottom
sacrifice your bloody shit to Old Sodom.

O
Overdose Final Exit-style.
First, gather your supplies;
Then book your suite at Disney World
Won't Mickey be surprised?

P
Protracted civil law suit versus an S & P defendant
will drain the lifeblood from a giant and his dependents
One caveat that I must mention: Such litigious suicide
May take a score of years or more to reify.

Q
Quixotic nuptials will kill the old fool
that buys Beauty’s bed, but dies at stool.
"Tis a far better thing than ere did he pass,"
Sobs his comely, now-rich widow, smacking his ass.

R
Run ye amok midst the Bilderberg set,
Giggling at each rubbed-out wretch.
Or smarter yet, try flying amok,
Tossing burning bushes down for luck.

S
Sexual exhaustion can end life's pain
If not turned into a true lovers' game.
Doctors advise that your health may improve,
should you use a live dolly that actually moves.


T
The lubricious harlot will see to your ending.
Once you’ve accustomed her to unbridled spending,
Cut her off coldly. Go deaf to her raves.
She'll not only kill you, she'll piss on your grave.

U
Undying devotion to a psychopath lover
whose sperm goes zygotic one way or another,
and becomes a fetal threat to his flamboyance will
see you both killed for such vulgar annoyance.

V
Voodoo dolls can be very effective
If you are the type of mental detective
Who can't separate fiction from your own fact
You can scare up your own heart attack.

W
Wages of sin will be tendered in hot lead
When underage daughters are found in your bed
In tangles of tribidism directed by you
Unauthorized tweeny-porn kills more than a few.

X
X2(squared) is funereal jargon
Routing a mourning man’s “goodbye world” hardon
Into the cold hole of his dead lover’s tight
Ass in his own, a lit stick of dynamite.



Y

Youthful crack-smoking’s bristling recreation
Will whisk you quite briskily to your destination
Hang in the crack house, bananas with rock
Til life in the jungle your coffin locks.




Z
Zenophobes are a most hateful lot
Especially to faces of races they’re not.
Be the Yankee of Yemens as In’jil [Satan] commands and
Your parts will part ways and rest mummified in sand.

Having completed this lexicon of cutting-edge lethal techniques, I feel despondent. Nothing remains for Tommy George but to test them all, one by one. I appeal to my research-oriented readers to test as many of these show-stopping scenarios as they can manage. Please report the results to me in care of this publication--or have your next of kin notify us. I am particularly interested in how they are received by family, friends, fanclubs, and funeral directors. I pledge personally to shed this Veil of Sears by performing the highest-rated of the lot, at a great shoppig mall--and do the deed live on TV for the world--once I reach the age of 120, and life begins to lose its zest.

T.G. 3 Jan 2017

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