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| Wipe Your Eyes, My Hero! Miss Piggy Will Find a Way! |
That's why we're safe--some of us. But not you--you, who continue to lead lives of crime.
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America currently can boast that it has the largest prison population in the history of the world--as I said twice already, over two-million and three-hundred thousand!--and some of them actually did shockingly bad things. Law enforcement's zeal has given new meaning to the patriotic call, "Uncle Sam Needs You!"
He needs you, all right--to cross that street against the light, because such flouting of civil order is bad, bad, bad, so very bad--and good, good. so very good, uh--for about $250.00 in criminal justice cash flow, once court costs and other surcharges round out your fifty-dollar fine. Of course, you'll have to take the pedestrian-rehab class, too. But look at the bright side. That money will pay an officer's salary, benefits, and per diem for a solid half-day. Admit it, they need it more than you--and they're going to get it, too.
So go on a patriotic crime spree. Give generously. Spit on the sidewalk. Swear at that cop. Throw that piece of candy-corn at your officer--you terrorist, you! Tell him to put it on the tab--hmm, hmm, the tab he says--a list of charges that can and will include assault on a police officer (that piece of candy corn almost knocked his head off), interfering with official acts, littering, and spitting on the sidewalk. That throat-clearing mayhem is going to set you back about $5,000.00, but you can be proud. Your life savings will keep a couple of cops and their snazzy whip on the payroll for nearly a week. That's some mighty profitable hawking of loogies, which is strictly against the law of Novus Ordum Seclorum--the same old Machiavellian con-game used by Hitler and his pals to create a gassable class of assets seized.
So go on a patriotic crime spree. Give generously. Spit on the sidewalk. Swear at that cop. Throw that piece of candy-corn at your officer--you terrorist, you! Tell him to put it on the tab--hmm, hmm, the tab he says--a list of charges that can and will include assault on a police officer (that piece of candy corn almost knocked his head off), interfering with official acts, littering, and spitting on the sidewalk. That throat-clearing mayhem is going to set you back about $5,000.00, but you can be proud. Your life savings will keep a couple of cops and their snazzy whip on the payroll for nearly a week. That's some mighty profitable hawking of loogies, which is strictly against the law of Novus Ordum Seclorum--the same old Machiavellian con-game used by Hitler and his pals to create a gassable class of assets seized.
All seriousness aside, Thomas George protests law enforcement's new-found prosecution of petty crimes. I' protest because it is so idiotically transparent--clearly driven by financial motives. The criminal justice system has so many mouths to feed--payrolls and overhead for cops, courts, jail houses and all their related personnel, all of those benefits. Not to mention the invisible misallocations, otherwise known as graft and corruption en extremis. Police officers, jailers, judges, and politicians, well . . . they're only human, and prone to temptation too.
Its easy for a dumb-bunny like me to forget all about those expenses and think unkindly of their addictions--certainly much easier to forget about those things than to forget about the fun-loving cops who treated me like a punching clown, and used me for taser-practice too. You'll read about that right after the telethon. I still say they were all high as kites, too--all of which leads to today's idea:
Let's find other ways to fund bloated criminal justice budgets--ideas more equitable than criminalizing and cleaning out the bank accounts of ordinary citizens who spit or fart or bob and weave down the sidewalk at an inopportune moment.
How about a law-enforcement telethon?--the type of tear-jerk fundraising hosted by Sally Struthers, Sarah Palin or some other such beautiful bimbo, like
A sad-looking officer droops on a busy street, crying with his hidden face turned to the wall. He's got no nightstick, no taser, no riot gear--nothing but a rusty old gun, and scarcely a bullet on his belt. Jay-walkers jeer and cross across against the light right in front of him. A habitual tippler toddles by, crocked as usual, and a tear rolls down Johnny Law's cheek. Nobody volunteers to cheer him up by lying down on the street so he look sharp with his foot on the volunteer's neck.
Its easy for a dumb-bunny like me to forget all about those expenses and think unkindly of their addictions--certainly much easier to forget about those things than to forget about the fun-loving cops who treated me like a punching clown, and used me for taser-practice too. You'll read about that right after the telethon. I still say they were all high as kites, too--all of which leads to today's idea:
Let's find other ways to fund bloated criminal justice budgets--ideas more equitable than criminalizing and cleaning out the bank accounts of ordinary citizens who spit or fart or bob and weave down the sidewalk at an inopportune moment.
How about a law-enforcement telethon?--the type of tear-jerk fundraising hosted by Sally Struthers, Sarah Palin or some other such beautiful bimbo, like
A sad-looking officer droops on a busy street, crying with his hidden face turned to the wall. He's got no nightstick, no taser, no riot gear--nothing but a rusty old gun, and scarcely a bullet on his belt. Jay-walkers jeer and cross across against the light right in front of him. A habitual tippler toddles by, crocked as usual, and a tear rolls down Johnny Law's cheek. Nobody volunteers to cheer him up by lying down on the street so he look sharp with his foot on the volunteer's neck.
MONTAGE OF PETTY CRIME SCENES, W/VOICE OVER:
- All Officer Johnny Law wants is to serve his community! But with all the criminals living it up in prison--and all the crack-heads dead or incarcerated, too--Officer Johnny has nothing to do but bust small time creeps like you! With no money coming in, he can barely afford his weekly hair-cut, or the expensive moral support he needs to feel good and charged-up. He needs help! Your help!
- Now, for your pledged donation of $199.00, you can bring hope back to this dedicated public servant. And who knows? You might be doing yourself a favor, too. You never know when you will need a cop! Who will be there to arrest you, if not Johnny Law? Who will start your months-long ordeal of humiliation, jail-time, probation, and payment after payment--if good cops like Johnny Law have to patrol the streets with half-full gas tanks, uncharged tasers, or not enough bullets?
So write your local police department. Send a big check today--no, better make that cash. Why waste their precious time? Just fork over all your money to the next cops you meet on the street. Tell them you . . . found it . . . and for God's sake, don't ask for a receipt. That might ruin everything.
You could turn out to be American Prisoner Number 2,300,001. That's two-million three-hundred thousand and one. So you better watch out, you better be nice, cause Santa's throwing scumbags like you in jail!
Interested in the story-behind-the story?
You could turn out to be American Prisoner Number 2,300,001. That's two-million three-hundred thousand and one. So you better watch out, you better be nice, cause Santa's throwing scumbags like you in jail!
Interested in the story-behind-the story?
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